Today. I. am. feeling.
/Always remember that we aren’t meant to do life on our own. If you are struggling today and you haven’t been able to get back your “smile”, why not share your heart with a trusted friend? And… sometimes we need to seek further help and that is perfectly ok. If that feels like you, I encourage you to talk with your minister of religion, doctor, counsellor and/or other trained professional. Please know that I am praying that you will find your way back to your smile.
my help comes from god…
Today. I’m feeling.
I’m feeling… … … … what is it that I am feeling?
The word that comes to mind is… melancholy.
Today. I. am. feeling. melancholy.
Hmmmm… let’s explore melancholy for a minute… Google says:
Melancholy is a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.
Synonyms include droopy, heavyhearted, low-spirited, dejected, despondent, downcast…
(I notice there are a lot of words starting with “D” in this list!? That does make me smile, a one-sided, ironic-kind-of-smile)
The words of a Psalm come unexpectedly, “Why so downcast o my soul?”
I think about that word droopy… I see a wilted, downcast flower, heavy from the recent downpour of rain.
I turn to the Bible, looking for the Psalmist’s words. Did you know these words are found in Psalm 42:5, Psalm 42:11 and Psalm 43:5? These verses are an exact replica of one another. I read from the New King James Version:
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.
SO…
I lean back in my chair… I am aware that behind this melancholy feeling is a gaping, wide-open hole of hopelessness. If I lean back too far I’m going to fall in. A few Bible verses float into my mind… one of which includes 1 Peter 5:8. I read it in the Good News Translation:
Be alert, be on watch! Your enemy, the Devil, roams around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
OK…
I see you devil. I am not falling prey to your scheme.
WE. are. not. falling prey to your schemes. NOT. ON. MY. WATCH.
I turn my thoughts to the word pensive… again with the help of Google I read:
Pensive is defined as engaged in, involving, or reflecting deep or serious thought.
Synonyms include contemplative, musing, introspective, ruminative, prayerful…
Interesting…
I sit quietly. I read all of Psalm 42 and 43. I contemplate the words. I read the Psalms in multiple translations. One translation has the heading “The prayer of someone in exile”. I ruminate on this. I see that the devil is wanting to pull my thoughts into that cavernous hole of hopelessness. He wants to lock them up in there and distract me and destroy my hope. As I picture my thoughts twirling, lost inside this black vortex, I hear a phrase from another Bible verse, “…bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ”. I look up 2 Corinthians and read all of verses four and five:
“For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ…”
I turn my thoughts back to Psalm 42 and 43 and meditate on The Message translation:
Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.
I picture that wilted, downcast flower again… still heavy from the recent downpour of rain.
But. Now. I see.
I see the sun is coming out and the raindrops that still cling to the flower are glistening beautifully in the light. Recently I have been doing a study about the unexpected goodness of God and I glance at the notebook where I have been writing my notes. Printed on the cover are the words,
“No rain. No flowers.”
I remember my son pointed these words out to me only yesterday.
Now I find myself singing an old song… one of my favourites…
“Open the eyes of my heart Lord…I want to see You…High and lifted up…shining in the light of Your glory.”
I lift the eyes of my heart onto Jesus. It’s raining outside and I thank Him for the rain. It’s been raining in my heart this morning and I thank Him for this rain also. I thank Him for the rain on the flowers that are yet to bloom.
I’m aware that this melancholy is turning to prayerful pensiveness…
I’m aware of the causes behind the melancholy and I bring each one before God…
I thank God that His presence isn’t just with me as I explore the exciting and the new, but He is ever present with me as I navigate the ordinary and engage in the everyday moments of my life. Surely goodness and mercy and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell forever (throughout all my days) in the house and in the presence of the LORD (Psalm 23:6).
There are circumstances beyond my control that I place into God’s hands.
There are words that have been taking root in my heart and I pluck them out and plant God’s words in their place.
There’s disappointment about outcomes that haven’t gone the way I had hoped or thought they might; and there are seeds that have been planted, but I can’t yet see whether they have taken root or if they are even going to grow…And I entrust these outcomes to God.
Father… let me see what You see, let me hear what You are hearing, let me breathe in Your fragrance that You have released into each of these areas. Let me taste of Your goodness, let me feel Your love, let me feel Your wonder and awe and excitement. Let me know. Truly know… Your hope deep in my soul. Let your refreshing wash over me.
I thank God for revealing the devil’s plot to lure me into his cavern of hopelessness. I thank God that before me is His wide and open doorway of Hope. My thoughts turn to Hosea 2:15:
I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope;
She shall sing there,
As in the days of her youth,
As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
I love how the valley of Achor… which is literally the valley of disturbance, trouble, harm, stirred up and growing worse… becomes the Door of Hope. I love how this valley becomes a place of the restored song. I love how this is a picture of the captives being set free and the exiles retuning home to sing their song of victory and joy and worship in this new found hope and freedom in God.
I stop. I breathe in… deeply. I sigh a long. deep. sigh.
I remember a time when God’s song of intercessory worship stirred within me as I stood in the gap and interceded on the threshold of the Valley of Trouble and God’s Doorway of Hope. I take time out now and I go back to that space and I soak in God’s presence. Would you like to join me in entering your Door of Hope today?
I return my thoughts once again to Psalm 43:3-5 and I turn these words into my own prayer of thankfulness…
I thank You Father that you have given me your lantern and compass,
and you have given me a map,
so that I could found my way to Your sacred mountain,
to the place of your presence,
and I have entered the place of worship,
where I meet with You, my exuberant God.
I sing my thanks with my voice and on my piano…
Magnificent God! My God!
I thank You Father that you have helped me discover the cause of my soul’s pensive sadness.
I thank You that as I fix my eyes on you, I find my way back to praising you. Thank you that you put a smile on my face.
YOU. ARE. MY. GOD!
YET. WILL. I. PRAISE. YOU!